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Polaroids Of Androids


But if not Blondie, then who?

Dubra at home, baked.

The Interverse mildly exploded last week when homegrown music festival, Homebake, announced it's headline act for 2012 would be none other than Debbie "Face Like" Hazmat and The Blondie Experience. The festival, which has a proud history of being 100% Australian and/or 90% Australian + 10% New Zealand, defended it's decision with a statement — "carn on, it's bluddy Deb".

But music purists remain outraged, enflamed and slightly confused. How could their beloved Baking Festival turn into such an Un-Australian Event? Does Debbie know the words to Waltzing Matilda and/or I Hate Cats? Who wants to riot down at North Cronulla surf club in protest? How will we turn the burkers back?

Photo credit: Phil Jameson.

But, most importantly, the organisers have brought attention to the fact Australian Music isn't exactly "chockers" with musical acts that anyone/everyone would deem as "Headline Quality". People don't care about Aussie Music anymore. Our treasurer is now quoting Bruce Springsteen, instead of Midnight Oil. Peter Garrett is babysitting your kids instead of dancing like an epileptic spaz in protest of Everything. Philip From Grinspoon is cleaning his kitchen instead of snowboarding into your face with easily-recallable drunken sing-a-longers. 78 Saab are still pulling beers for you at the Sando (but only for the next few weeks as Clover Moore Cycleways Pty Ltd has plans to turn the iconic shithole into a bike rack).

Truth is, did the organisers have much choice but to look outside of Australia for their big name headliner? Are there any stadium-filling rock stars left in this flash-in-your-pan nation of ours?

The Presets
Do Homebake kids want to take a handful of pills/fertilizer and chant all the words to My People? While Homebake has traditionally been a Rock Festival, I'm sure the current whatever-you've-got festival crowd would have warmed to the idea of getting their stomach pumped in the name of Fun. Unfortunately, however, The Presets are already locked down by the Parklife organisers.

Already locked in for his own massive local tour at the same time. Surely a better $$$$ option.

Kylie Minogue / Jason Donovan / Craig McLachlan
Apparently Jase and Craig aren't speaking anymore after Craig put a photo showing Dono's phone number up on his high-traffic "Craig's Funny Lists" blog. Kylie remains true to her word to never perform without her two loyal back-up tenors.

No chance of ever appearing on any festival line-up ever now that they've been blackballed by Triple J for being 99.8% "troll cunts".

Unfortunately, Bruno is still in France being Un-Australian.

Teenage Mothers
Way too "controversial".

The Waifs
Guess where they are? Still.

The Fighting League
a) Nuthin ever good happens wen we leave Canberra ya cunts. b) Homebake fans probably aren't prepared — sexually or mentally — for the Leaguers. c) Homebake has a strict No Shirts Off policy.

No Through Road
Matt Banspam is too busy living in the high-definition future with Spuddles.

Peter Garrett
a) Too busy wasting our money trying to make our kids book-smart and thus costing us much-needed Olympic Medals. b) Killing everyone with flammable pink bats.

Good Heavens
Unable to do any other appearances around their August 17 album launch show due to the Lansdowne's completely unreasonable "no other gigs six months before or after" policy.

Larry Emdur (stand-up, slam poetry)
Too controversial.

Daryl "Hit Machine" Braithwaite
Too busy ski-ing without any pants on like the loose cannon / Australian Rock Legend that he is. Dazza.


The Mess Hall
Never replied to the email from the organisers. Claim they never got the email. Hardly ever check their Hotmail account.

Art Vs Science
The bubble burst and all we were left with was a hand-written note from Larry Emdur (comic legend and creator of the Art Vs Science Project) stating that Parlez-Vous translated from Spanglish to English and then back to French as "gotcha cunts".

Filed Under
The Presets
Matt Banham
No Through Rd
Daryl Braithwaite
Larry Emdur
The Mess Hall
Good Heavens


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My vote is for Dazza.

1 decade ago


The Whitlams

1 decade ago

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