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Polaroids Of Androids

Record Reviews

3.6

Step-Panther
Step-Panther

Never Again reminds me of every studio re-enactment of drunk, chant-a-long pub ballad birthed by this often embarrassing nation of ours over the past decade, specifically aimed at a career-deciding national radio station with the sufficient pull to get the do-anything creators onto a few festival billings and/or a thirty-eight second Rugby League promotional TVC. With a slightly longer intro.

No Fun reminds me of my high-school poetry phase, which was a strategic move to create a point-of-difference between myself and the more handsome, confident, better-equipped jocks. Fun, sun, everyone, have fun. At the height of this gloriously lonely period I even won a school competition with a sonnet about dead birds effortlessly gliding through broken skies. Nasir Jones would late steal a large portion of this poem for his 2007 Grammy award-winning b-side You're Da Man. Which, of course, during this period of my life, I clearly wasn't.

Rock and Roll Alone reminds me of every studio re-enactment of drunk, chant-a-long pub ballad birthed by this often embarrassing nation of ours over the past decade, specifically aimed at a career-deciding national radio station with the sufficient pull to get the do-anything creators onto a few festival billings and/or a thirty-eight second Rugby League promotional TVC. Just with 84% more Awkward Doo-Wop.

My Neck reminds me of countless other local releases of the past twenty billion years, where a solitary, well-placed iceberg of unashamed pop-rock is overshadowed by a turd-invested ocean of forced maneuvers, unerasable images of Kate's Win Slot and a Titanic amount of embarrassingly cringeworthy maneuvers. Beautiful Leo swimming in a sea of Fundamentally Christian Kirk Camerons.

I Feel Weird reminds me of the ideal sing-a-long song at 3am, twelve Coopers deep, World Bar, Kings Cross, Sydney. Doesn't matter how many after work drinks you've had, or tea-pot cocktails, or placebo ecstasy pills — you still know every single word.

Unfortunately, Ferrari doesn't remind me at all of Ferrari Boyz, the awesome Gucci Mane and Waka Flocka Flame mixtape. It does, however, remind of Weezer's Sweater Song and that glorious time before Cuomo tried to trick his whole fan base into taking a Bermuda Triangle boat cruise into the Memory-Erasing Black Hole that Big Willy Smith wrote about — at length — in his 2002 biography.

Stare Into The Eyes Of The Wolf reminds me of age-old instructions from the A&R department informing a band that they're "one ballad from getting this record out there".

Young and Dumb reminds me of boring Saturday afternoons doing cheap Blacktown speed with Mach Pelican, snorting lines off the cock of Lindsay from Frenzal Rhomb and then writing a song about it to give to old boy Linds as payment. Which he can in turn use on the local 'youth' radio station where he now works as the perfect 46 second dead-air filler before the hourly news break.

Galactic Hurricane reminds me of every up-and-coming Sydney artist trying to make a political song about the hardships of life, modern class warfare, industrialism, commercialism, the one-percent and why everyone should Vote Green, when clearly we live in one of the most stable, "lucky" countries on the planet. And Bob Brown couldn't balance a fucking cheque book.

Scorpions reminds me of the year 2028, when high school students with fathers who forced them to exclusively listen to The Mint Chicks' F**k The Golden Youth and Die! Die! Die!'s self-titled record on repeat endlessly for the first 15 years of their life enter their first ever music lesson and their teacher says them to "go ahead Jonny Junior, play anything you like".

Paranoia reminds me of legendary Townsville riot-starters Six Foot Hick and their on-stage antics (the pinnacle of which features the lead singer drinking 5 bottles of whiskey from his cowboy boots). Played at double-speed. Minus the Townsville. Minus the cowboy boots. Minus the whiskey.

Sentimental Town reminds me of...

...a hilarious song popularised by touring English cricket fans who routinely chant the song at mildly attractive Australian women as part of a solid Community Service to boost the self-esteem of the local female species. As well as project their own emotional and self-esteem based insecurities.

Rock and Roll Alien reminds me of...

...and...

...and Donald Ritchie, an 85-year-old true bloody Australian legend who for the last 50 years has talked people down from Topping Themselves at famous Sydney suicide location, The Gap. It probably goes without saying, but The Don is at least a billion times better than this song. And this album.

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Step-Panther

 

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Comments

Super T-dogz

There is not a single legitimate unbiased statement in this whole joke-of-a-review.

Did one of the guys from step-panther steal your girlfriend or something?

1 decade ago

Jonny Yes Yes

HAAAAHAHA,,, like we could get Girlfriends,,,,

1 decade ago

Tricks

I effing love this band, love them live, loved their initial demos of Stare into the eyes of the wolf/Fight like a knight/Jimmy. I haven't heard the album but I'm kind of hoping this review is a parody of the M+N Royal Headache review/Fryface.jpg Probably isn't though :(. That's a shame. I'll still check it out though hey

1 decade ago

Jonny Yes Yes

@tricks,,, reckon these guys would be great live,,, drunk and fun and full of cum/energy,,

my problem with the album is that it sounds really forced... and that kind of thing (combined with this style of music which i generally like) just really really irritates me..... i think generally if you like them live you should at least give this album a go... the formulaic approach here is just a personal pet hate of mine ,,,thats all...

not a parody either.... our royal headache (very very serious) review/response is currently in it's seventh draft..... probably not worth waiting for//////

1 decade ago

Jonny Yes Yes

@t-dogz ,,, without knowing us... im not sure how you decided this was simply a chip-on-a-shoulder "un-biased" opinion.... that wasn't the intended tone ...... just trying to tell you how we feel about music mate,,,, wasn't supposed to be a joke either, we take our Job very seriously,,,

1 decade ago

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