Login | Sign-Up

Polaroids Of Androids

Record Reviews


The Rubens
The Rubens

So vocal has my displeasure about the rise in popularity of The Rubens that, when my friend Facebook raped my phone earlier this week, he realised that rather than the typical, "Loves cock!" or "Diggin' this hardcore tranny porn!" jibes that one would typically expect from a friend jamming their unlubricated fingers up inside your social media status — I would be more enraged by this:

He was right.

I can't stand the Rubens. I can't stand their uninspired lyrics, over-produced sound and formulaic songwriting. I can't stand their substitution of haircuts and style for substance and artistic essence. And I can't stand the fact that I can't seem to escape their fucking music everywhere I go, like a mosquito that, no matter how many times you swat at it, remains undeterred from its goal of setting up shop on a small piece of land on the back of your neck.

Worst of all, I can't stand that they're probably going to have a literal negative impact on the Australian music industry over the next 12 months. That's why I've decided to give this record a negative review. Nothing good can come of it.

Now, the reasons I feel that this album will be detrimental to the industry as a whole are long and varied, but I'll do my best to limit these words to one core argument.

I almost entirely accredit the popularity of this band to over-exposure. There's no way someone could actually sit down and listen to this shit and decide that it's the greatest thing since Iced Vovos, because it really is not good. Sure My Gun, has some level of catchiness — but have a ponder — is it really that catchy or have you just heard the fucking thing so many times it's permanently etched on your brain? How the fuck else could they have packed out a tent at this year's Splendour In The Grass with 23-year-old Sydney Uni laws students off the back of just a handful of singles?

Full disclosure: I have not sat down and listened to this album for the purposes of reviewing it. I haven't needed to. I've heard every single song on it without even trying. I've seen the band three times (free drinks at all three gigs), I've heard the songs blasted on radio (while riding in other people's cars — who needs radio when there're podcasts, amirite?!) and even had the record feature as the soundtrack to my office day job (facilitated by the workplace stereo that only ever seems to be utilised by cunts with no fucking taste in music).

And I accredit that over exposure to the serious cash and industry gravitas The Rubens have behind them. "What cash and cajones?" you ask. None other than the most powerful man in the Australian Music Industry, Michael Gudinski.

One of the aforementioned gigs I attended featuring the Rubens was a media showcase. The Dinsk introduced (read: chafed himself wanking over) the band, decreeing that he, "Hadn't been as excited about an act since The Temper Trap." Now, you've got to admit, it must take a pretty big deal for a head honcho of Gudinski's weight to come out and spruik a brand-new act on one of his subsidiary labels in Ivy League, to which The Rubens belong.

At the time I didn't think much of it, as I downed Little Creatures, Rueben sandwiches (*boom tish* catering guys) and shared a three-minute, casual chat with Phil from Grinspoon (career highlight). But now, in the aftermath of the recent Jagermeister Independent Music Awards with Ivy League acts scoring nods, I've grown to become level red concerned.

With this kind of Cleveland Steamer engine charging behind the Rubens, it's not ridiculous to predict that the band will be competitive at future AMP and JIMA awards (they've already been nominated for a J award), especially if they're marketed as an Ivy League (ie. "independent") act, when in reality they should be realised for what they are — Mushroom's new version of Thirsty Merc.

Therefore, not only have the band robbed much more interesting/talented/credible/creative acts of valuable air/stage/groupie time, but they could possibly be robbing them of future cash prizes and accolades, neither of which they need/deserve.

So in my own small way, I hope this little piece lands a small blow for credibility (although, let's face it — probably won't) and chips away at the goliath of awfulness that is The Rubens. Because, in all seriousness, I'm a heartbeat away from throwing that fucking work stereo out the fucking window.

Filed Under
Record Reviews
The Rubens


You'll Probly Like This Stuff Too




Everywhere you go they got reubens these days. Every caf has done a research trip to nyc and brought back the idea of a reuben. It's like when the foccacia's were all the rage, now it's the reubens--everyone on a research trip, all makin and sellin something that's done way better in another part of the world. The next big sydney band'll be called pulled pork, for sure. Fuck you masterchef

8 years ago


Oh Rav, the greatest...
Just another unearthed band right.

8 years ago


Whaley wins the thread!

8 years ago

big ben

i feel the same way about the jezebels and little birdy. thankfully little birdy flew away

8 years ago


you're a loser

8 years ago


Thank you! I'm so sick of hearing Ruben praise. This is good.

8 years ago


This was bliss to read. Because this is an Australian site I thought 'oh no, there will be nothing but praise for the band. Those poor brainwashed Aussies, swept with patriotism.' I absolutely detest the band. I had heard them before and I had thought 'ehh, they're alright'. Then they opened for The Black Keys. They were the most boring shit I've ever seen in my life. Such bland music. It was like the Stone Temple Pilots opening for Nirvana. Similar musical styles but completely different in terms of quality. Here's hoping this review ends their pointless and cruel career as a band!

8 years ago

Comments are currently closed because Spam Bots ruin everything.